You hear it from the girl at the bar complaining that guys spend more money on hair gel than a night out with a lady, Chivalry Is Dead. You hear it from the perpetual nice guy finishing last who is admiring the girl admiring hair gel guy. Chivalry Is Dead, he laments. Is it really chivalry that’s dead, or good taste? This is what I want to address, friends, as I observe, acknowledge and appreciate random acts of chivalry on a daily basis.
Is it safe to say that there have been impolite people all throughout history, male and female? I’m going to say yes, there have been sucky people walking the Earth as long as humans have existed- the descendants of some very rude monkeys, really. Is it also safe to say that we all know the primary topic on any male brain at any given time, at any given place on Earth? Yes, we all know what that is, it has always been that way, and we’re never going to change that. There’s enough science to explain why that topic consumes the male brain, and I’m not a scientist, or a particularly smart girl, so my time is probably better put to use in sharing my observations as a simple modern young woman.
I haven’t been on the planet long enough to say for sure when the phrase ‘Chivalry Is Dead’ came to be, I’m not google, y’all. I imagine it happened somewhere around the time the blending of the sexes came to be as well. It’s almost taboo now to even admit that there are reasons why men and women are WORLDS different-aside from the apparent physical characteristics. This isn’t really about that though, it’s just important that we acknowledge how we see ourselves as women and men. My feelings as a woman are as clear as freshly windexed windows; my feelings about douchy men are as ill fated as the nearby flying birds; and that has nothing to do with this notion of chivalry.
chiv-al-ry noun
: the system of values (such as loyalty and honor) that knights in the Middle Ages were expected to follow
: an honorable and polite way of behaving especially toward women
At least according to Merriam Webster.
I think that we all have this image in our heads of men in previous generations as ‘do no wrongers’ and perpetual gentlemen, but this is not entirely the case. We’ve all read about cheatin’ kings and ruthless dictators, y’all. The roles of women, however, have evolved in such a way that women are now worlds more equal than ever before. Though we still have worlds to evolve, there was a time when women were just simply dependent on men in a way we no longer are. This is why modern and traditional acts of chivalry are clear signs to me of not only a well mannered and properly raised gentleman, but proof that the same values are still being passed onto men through the generations. This is so exciting to me!
A phrase I heard my mother say frequently was ‘sometimes you just have to let the man open the jar even if you can do it yourself.’ The truth that I’ve experienced with all the men dear to me is that it is within their core DNA to feel needed. This may sound terribly antifeminist, but I assure you, I am a true blue modern feminist, but I am NOT LIKE A MAN IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM AND NEITHER ARE YOU, GIRL. We are still just intelligent animals with very core basic instincts, and men are still the damn hunters. We don’t expect them to be ‘the man’ because we are afforded the opportunities now to do as we please and to make livings for ourselves and be entirely independent as women and this is GREAT. However, if we don’t expect them to play any useful and necessary role in our lives, why do we expect them to be chivalrous?
I am a young, stubbornly independent woman. I chase these insanely huge ambitions, more so than the average American woman, perhaps. I sort of loathe the idea of having to be supported by anyone in any way. However, I embrace all that makes me a woman and sometimes that includes accepting that I have different capabilities and expectations than a man does. In accepting this, I am able to command respect from a man, or dismiss him entirely if he does not uphold the values you know his mama taught him. So much of how you’re treated by a man is a direct result of how you handle yourself as a woman; hard as that is to say-and hear. All men have urges they can and (more than likely) will act upon if given the opportunity by a woman who doesn’t accept that it is, in fact, entirely within her control. Even the best of them…and this does not make them bad, and does not dismiss chivalry’s existence.
This isn’t to say that a relentless ladylike woman in pearls with hair ‘just so’ never comes across a terribly impolite man. I feel strongly about acting a lady and have certainly come across gross men, and bless their hearts if ever they had an inkling they had a shot in hell. I feel very strongly that every woman is a rare diamond and when she recognizes that within herself, she will have an easier time filtering through the varieties of men. Having high standards may mean you experience less, and for some reason we’re conditioned to believe that’s a bad thing. It’s not, really, but perhaps in my case-ignorance has been bliss. Still, you tell a girl she’s pretty enough times it’s easy to overlook the suckiness. I know that one. I’ve been a chick for 27 years and have come across a lot of different kinds of men, and still I would say a very large percentage of them have been more than chivalrous-even the ones who lied to me. All of their mothers would be proud to know that their sons’ held the door for me always. They all paid for first dates. Not a one ever treated me like a piece of meat.
I think it’s the dating world that makes so many wonder if chivalry is dead, as girls go on enough dates with men and still feel compelled to reach for their wallets. I know that’s a big one…but I just don’t remember being asked out so frequently for that to have been an issue. What I can say about modern men is the lack of true courtship and persistence, as I am not the kind of girl to pursue a man. I’m just not that cool, or haven’t been immediately struck enough by a man…either way. I know, gentlemen, it’s hard to go after something you want because there is always the chance you will be rejected. There were always men expressing interest who never did anything about it and that would annoy me in the single times. It did not make me believe that chivalry was dead, but it did, however, strengthen my sense that if I was not pursued, I was not the right fit for them. Men remove all obstacles to get to the woman they really want, I know that now.
I know the dating world is hard. I somehow avoided so much of it even in my single times; mostly out of sheer obliviousness. I didn’t mind too much that not many men invited me out to formal dates because I didn’t care to spend too much time eating in front of a man I hardly knew-and I’m also one of the most nervous natured gals around…life is embarrassing, y’all! The truth is, I never lost sight of who I was, or what I deserved, for the sake of not being lonely; and I sure know lonely. Women are so malleable and will readily mold themselves into what a man wants them to be. I did this in previous relationships, you probably did too. We want to give love so much that we can shape ourselves into dishonest shells, and somehow feel natural in doing so. Good grief I’m so glad I stopped doing that.
Here’s the deal. Some women dig this notion of chivalry, some women are offended. I watched a woman get sassy with a man who ran ahead to hold the door for her. I can respect any woman’s view, truly, but I still wanted to smack her a little bit. The truth is, manners are around to make people comfortable-not ‘un’. It is the intent behind the action that matters, not solely the action itself. To be good to people for the sake of being good is not offensive, this is called politeness. To be good to people with selfish expectations is what is truly offensive, negating all good actions. Chivalry is merely politeness-a man doing the right thing.
It has become accepted worldwide that women have that otherworldly intuition stuff…I know I do, and the older I get the more I rely on it. My intuition has answered all questions of character regarding men, whether I acknowledged it at the time or not. If someone was lying, I knew, whether I chose to believe that inner voice or not. Now, if I have the inkling that a man has bad intentions, I trust it and dismiss them as just….undeserving of moi. It’s pretty simple. The greatest thing about this is that I am now more open to observing kind acts by strangers with good intentions.
The world isn’t out to get you every time some silly undeserving man is disrespectful. It is important to observe dating patterns if you see consistent types of ‘dudes’ coming into your life. You’re going to get hit on a million times at the bar, and double that number if you’re by yourself. You’re going to be treated like a ‘hanger onner’ if you keep hanging on to unavailable men. Gentlemen, you’re going to be left behind if you keep chasing girls with bad taste in men. Y’all, chivalry isn’t dead, but it’s no new concept that we sometimes have to experience some bad eggs before our eyes even open up to the possibility that good ones exist! I do feel as though most people really are good, but sometimes you find them at the wrong times.
Even at the wrong times….they still know how to hold the door for you.
…and give you their jacket when you’re cold
Marion Grace Notes 